


Light

by stardustpaths



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M, death is not the end, old!Dean, trueform!Castiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-09
Updated: 2014-02-09
Packaged: 2018-01-11 18:06:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1176217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stardustpaths/pseuds/stardustpaths
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean has a visitor in his dreams.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Light

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [cappybara](http://cappybara.tumblr.com).

Dean dreamed. It was one of those unusually vivid dreams. Dreams that _felt_ _real._

This feeling was nothing new. He already had nightmares about hell that felt similar, but now, more often than not, the nightmares were replaced with this _other_ dreams. The dreams with Castiel in them. And he knew they were _just_ dreams and nothing more. They had to be. They had to be because Cas was dead for years.

 

***

The first time a dream like that happened, Dean felt overwhelmed. Of course, it wasn’t like he never had a dream about Cas before. It was just they never were so _real_. And seeing his best friend after so long, his best friend unexpectedly unbelievably tangible, was bizarre. Even if he was just a mirage patched from Dean’s memories.

He stood dumbfounded in the middle of a foreign meadow, his mouth open, not knowing what to say, taking in the sight of Castiel before him. And Cas, with his stupid hair, and stupid eyes, and stupid trenchcoat, just smiled. And there was something sad in his smile. Maybe he too knew he couldn’t be anything more than a dream.

Dean tried to count how many years had passed and suddenly felt very old.

“Hello, Dean.”

The voice was just like Dean remembered, deep and warm. And this greeting, the greeting he was so used to many years ago, made him feel like he was finally home.  

It took him a few moments to think that maybe he should respond somehow. Suddenly it didn’t matter that much that it was a dream. He still wanted to act like this _was_ real Castiel. He missed him so much.

“Hi, Cas. Long time…” Dean’s voice faltered, he swallowed. “Long time no see.”

“Dean… I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t come earlier.”

Dean shrugged. “It’s okay, I’ve managed.”

Castiel was still looking at him, not saying another word. Dean sighed. “Okay. I’ve missed you. I miss you so damn much it still hurts every day.”

The wind picked up, strands of grass rustled gently. They both stood still, quiet. Then something happened. Something Dean didn’t expect at all. Castiel moved closer and hugged him tightly. “I’m sorry.”

For a second Dean didn’t know what to do with his arms. Then, they were both hugging each other, and Dean wasn’t sure whether he will be able to stop, too afraid Cas will suddenly disappear, like all dreams did.  “It’s okay. It’s not like you could help it.”

“But I could. I could try to see you sooner.”

Dean shook his head. “I don’t want to talk about it. I’m just glad to see you.”

Cas finally broke the hug, moving back a little. “I’m happy to see you too. I’ve missed you.” He slowly sat on the ground. “Tell me… are you happy? With your life.”

Dean snorted, sitting beside him. “That’s a heavy question to start a conversation with.” He lost himself in thoughts. “Well. I’m not hunting anymore. Usually. Maybe a few cases a year, and it’s less and less… But Charlie, you remember Charlie, right? So, she helped me with this internet site for hunters. Basically I mostly give advice now. And Sam is happy. He got married and his wife is great. They don’t have kids, but it seems that their dogs are enough for both of them. And. I was with someone for a few years. It was good, but uh. It didn’t last.”

Dean stopped there, the memories still playing in his head.

“I’m sorry it didn’t last.”

“No, it’s okay. It’s just how life is sometimes. It’s still a good memory.”

They sat in silence for some time. The unreal grass around them rustled in the unreal wind. Dean still couldn’t take his eyes from Cas, still wanted to pretend it wasn’t just a dream. “I guess I’m happy, most of the time. But I wish you were there. Nothing was ever the same after…” he couldn’t bring himself to finish the sentence.

Castiel moved closer, putting his arms around Dean. “I promise, I will be here now. It’s not enough, I know. But I won’t leave you.”

 

***

That night Dean woke up with tears in his eyes. He couldn't decide whether he wanted to remember the dream in detail, or forget everything, to make the longing go away. He supposed the dream would not repeat itself, that it was just a very cruel one-time torture his mind subjected him to.

He was wrong. Since then he dreamed about Castiel over and over again. Every dream was different, and they all seemed to be a continuation of the previous ones, making him think that maybe, just _maybe,_ they weren’t dreams at all. But it was better not to get his hopes up even higher - he already started expecting to see this dream-version of Castiel every night. He wondered briefly if those dreams meant he was finally losing it. He brushed that thought away. Years ago he would say that good things didn’t happen to him and fought the dreams until they stopped. Now he wanted those good things to come. And stay. He wanted to be happy.

He wasn’t sure if the dreams made him happier or more miserable. He knew one thing, though. Castiel always made him happy. He felt at peace when they were together. So he let himself dream.

They always talked a lot. About what Dean did, about the people he was surrounded by in his life now. About movies, old and new. About everything that came to Dean’s mind.

Then came the stolen kisses and touches, becoming more bold and confident with every time they’d met. Dean wasn’t sure who started. He bitterly wished they were braver in the past and allowed themselves to have this when Castiel was alive.

A few times Dean wondered if maybe he should just ask Cas if he was real, but in the end he decided that would be stupid. How would he know if the answer was true and not another trick of his mind?

 

***

So, Dean dreamed. It was one of those unusually vivid dreams. But it wasn’t like the ones before. There was light everywhere, light so bright he had to close his eyes, and he still could see the red color of the insides of his eyelids. He had no idea what was happening.

“Cas? Are you here? I can’t see anything,” he tried. The light became slightly dimmed.

Dean opened his eyes and saw Castiel before him. But this time he didn’t see a man in an old trenchcoat. There was a creature made of light, light that was constantly flowing, forming shapes of long limbs, enormous wings and animal-like faces. It was breathtaking and beautiful and scary at the same time.  Dean unconsciously reached with his hand and Castiel moved closer, allowing Dean to touch one of the heads. It felt surprisingly corporeal. Firm, warm and very _alive._

“Fuck.” Dean wasn’t sure if he was still able to form sentences.

“ _I thought you would like to see me. How I really am.”_  The voice was different, but so very _Cas_ that Dean almost didn’t notice the change.

“No, this is great. You’re… you’re awesome. But shouldn’t this be impossible? For me to see you? And hear you? How are my ears not bleeding yet?”

Dean caught himself sort of petting Cas. Cas didn’t seem to object. It was maybe a little weird, but Dean decided it was a good kind of weird.

“ _We’re still in your dream. Obviously I can make you see me in a way that won’t hurt you.”_

“Wait. So this is a dream. But you’re real? I mean you’re really you? I didn’t just dream all of this?”

Dean wasn’t sure whether he imagined this or whether Cas really just did an eyeroll.

“ _Did you really think all this time that you were only dreaming about me?”_

“No! Yes… maybe. I _hoped_ I wasn’t. But man, you _died._ What was I supposed to think?”

“ _Why didn’t you ask?”_

Dean shrugged. “Like a dream you could tell me the truth.”

“ _Then how do you know I’m telling the truth now?”_ Cas made a small movement that made Dean think of raised eyebrows.

“I don’t think I could dream _this._ I’m willing to risk it and believe this must be real.” he sighed. “So, what the hell happened? Are you... are you an angel again?”

“ _Not… quite. I died. And went to heaven. You should know it’s a lot better place now. Even without my grace, I never was fully human. What you see now is my soul. Or rather an equivalent of such, I don’t think it has a name.”_

“So what did I see before? And why are you showing me yourself now?”

“ _That was also me. Through the years I became so accustomed to that body that I see it as mine. Dreams and heaven are all about perception and I perceive myself as both forms. I didn’t know how you would react to this form, and you were already familiar with the human one. The initial choice was obvious.”_

“What changed now?”

Cas shifted with unease. “ _You’re old.”_

Dean laughed. “Thanks Cas, you’re a real sweetheart.”

“ _What I meant was that this is your time, Dean. Tonight, I came to take you with me. Or at least be with you when a reaper guides you to heaven.“_

Dean’s face fell. “Cas, I’m not even sure I’m going to go heaven.”

“ _Of course you are. You never belonged in hell. You did a lot of good, Dean. I_ know _there is a place in heaven for you.”_

“I didn’t say goodbye to anyone.”

Cas sighed “ _I’m sorry, I wish I could tell you this earlier but I was forbidden to.”_

Dean felt tears on his cheeks. He didn’t want to cry. This was stupid. He wasn’t afraid to die. But he wasn’t _that_ old. He didn’t feel _that_ old. He didn’t want to leave those who were still alive. He wasn’t ready. He was even less ready than when he was younger.

The light moved and suddenly Castiel’s limbs and wings were all around Dean as he experienced what was probably the strangest hug he had ever gotten.

“Okay. Okay.” Dean tried to calm himself. “I’m not going to be a baby about this. But hey, can you at least do the same dreamwalking thing with Sam and tell him I’m alright when I’m already dead?”

“ _I’m not sure. At first I didn’t think I could do that even with you. But I can try.”_

Dean sniffed. “Good. That’s good. It’s going to be okay, right?”

“ _Of course it’s going to be okay Dean. You deserve a happy ending.”_

Dean didn’t know how long they stood like this, wrapped in each other. A human and a creature of light. It could have been minutes, it could have been hours. Finally Death himself came and Dean felt somehow relieved it was someone he already knew. He closed his eyes for the last time in the dream world, and when he opened them again a lot of familiar, long unseen faces greeted him.

Castiel was right behind him, in his human form this time. He took Dean’s hand and squeezed it in reassurance. Everything was going to be okay. It had to be.


End file.
